Sunday, May 27, 2012

now we want 2 way traffic on north main street

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amos (lake erie) unatic, a wellknown local derelict and social activist, caused a near riot at a recent city council meeting by publicly suggesting that main street route 13 traffic flow in a near straight line in north and south directions through the sprawling downtown metropolis.
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don hash, wellknown gentlemen's and gentleladies clothier and former haberdasher, spoke against the plan. "we've always had it this way, and tradition is everything in this business.
if business gets any slower, i'll have to lay myself off, unlock my gates and let myself out.

mr. unatic, suggested that traffic flow was being curtailed in the current flow pattern, for, at most, 8 main street businesses, with  combined yearly sales of $135.

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sue sopranino, owner of a tobacco shop, who formerly sold newspapers and religious publications, suggested that "the current traffic flow added an adventurous touch to the community. i dont want main street swinging both ways"

the owner of coney island restaurant urged against the change as well. "i dont want any coney sauce splattering windows and defacing main street from injured drunks carrying toxic coney-sauce."

the owner of the book shop suggested that most mansfielders have tunnel vision and can see only one side of things. "this will be an unmitigated disaster."

a meter maid, reddily maid, mentioned that the removal of all main street parking meters would "likely cost 3 meter maids jobs. the sunshine we spread is incalculable, not to speak of funding and performing at the annual christmas parties at the eagles club."

dandy dan dukanides, owner of mansfield's only downtown upscale retail shoe store, was equally glum about the change. "walk-in traffic is the big toe of this business, and i dont want any more florsheim glue cushion insoles loafers and wingtips mangled on our streets.
the glued on heels fly right off when cars hit pedestrians wearing them, and it makes my shoes look shoddy and chinese-made, which they are."

dud shaker, the mayor, said "where is this main street? i deny everything.  it was the previous administration. we need a traffic study from the city traffic engineers, after they finish misengineering the budget, which i dont want my hands on any part of. it shouldnt take them  long. we dont have much money except for hustling the state and feds for grants, but i do believe in reducing taxes and government."

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attorney cassandiver maven-maven whose offices are located at the corner of main and first streets, the nexus of the current track flow problems, in a refurbished texaco station, opined. "dont change a thing. the number of accidents on that corner is astounding, and we get many victims signed up while they are still in shock, on stretchers, in neckbraces, or bleeding. the gore, cracked heads and limbs, the screaming, and broken glass would bring warmth to the heart of any self respecting ambulance chaser."

the hare-brained traffic flow pattern has vehicles flowing in opposite directions downhill coming abruptly together, re-separating them, and funnelling them  with a single, occasionally operating traffic signal.
raul (mmmm good) memorabilia  owner, number one customer, and proprietor of relax, it's just old coffee, further inflamed matters by serving ultra hi octane caffein   to opposing parties.

the owner of uncle john's restaurant, speaking through an interpreter, mentioned that the double traffic pattern, if it became operational, would force him to accept credit and debit cards.

under unatic's plan, semis would flow directly through town. the present alternate truck routes for route 30 snakes and snarls them through much of the once-picturesque scenic and historic now decaying community funk.

mr. unatic suggested that mr. t's on P.A.W. be converted into a 24 hour truckstop and center by razing the entire south side of that street, between mulberry and sturges ave, for semi parking and sleeping.  except for its 2 remaining businesses, swami cleaners which mostly does laundry and stiffening for funeral homes, and the heely-haw funeral home, which bans catholics.

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the crazed madman was charged with disorderly conduct and released and later found sleeping (either direction) peacefully on a park bench, under unread newspapers, with his trusty dog, culliver,  and a cheap bottle of mad dog 20/20,

the mayor, good citizens, townsfolk and 'sane' councilmen retired peaceably to their comfortable sealy one-way posturepedic mattresses. 

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