Friday, March 19, 2010

city zoning committee probes distasteful sign

-click pics to size-

the city zoning commision has scheduled a series of hearings after receiving several dozen vitriolic complaints by neighborhood residents and passersby concerning a huge sculpture, an apparent depiction of a human molar, on lexington avenue, one of mansfield's most heavily travelled routes. "that, whatever it is, is killing business," said hop sing single-wing, owner of a local once-popular new restaurant, 'rice and dine,' owned by hojo enterprises. "who would feel like eating after viewing that thing? several of our best customers have lost their breakfasts right on their tables. we've had to add an extra cleanup crew to maintain order." the local ym/ywca has had to reroute daily walks for its 89 preschoolers, who 'scream, throw tantrums, and suffer nightmares acompanied by severe bedwetting after seeing that damn thing.' the 'hardened' musclebound steroid laced weightlifters of the y are also experiencing incontinence and impotence from repeated exposure to the sculpture. 'no matter how big we get, that thing makes us feel puny, peurile, and insignificent. our scrotums, testicles, and egos are now dwarfed by those of orientals and midgets.' embarg and a nearby gas station have reportedly suffered business downturns, as well. the urinal's crack reporter, jamir heer kintie-kintie, who also does oral, has obtained a photo of an artist's conception of the completed structure, which has 'temporarily' halted construction due to the inability to obtain funds. the envisioned sculpture would appear to be a molar man with toothpasty arms wielding a gigantic toothbrush with 2 packets of dental floss at its feet. a riot nearly ensued when atty. mine heng lo, representing the dentist group, gave an impassioned speech seeking local block grant funds to complete the project. concluding his remarks with 'you folks had better approve this for your own good, for flossie dick the gay dentist knows joe(mudra) and joe's no ho.' a big thanks to jamir heer kintie-kintie for the fine legwork. and especially to firechief.

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